Everytime someone questioned me or says something related to my boss, I just don't know why I just couldn't face it with a positive attitude, happily saying that "I'm so proud to be a daughter that he can proud of".
I just couldn't let it down, everytime persuading myself with two motives I'm here in this world, one is to be a daughter that should be able to exist as a capable child of him, secondly is to protect the family (my mom especially) that no son is nothing!
When always tried to be as "capable" as I can, the feeling of trying very hard to get out of this box is attacking my soul. Even the tears might start coming from the heart inside but could never get out as I know I need to pretend not to care about this feeling, just let it be.. Should one day I leave the world before him, I will never say this to him. This world seems to be of nothing more to me if the feeling can't be grounded or one day he stop asking me to do anything, not because he is leaving the world. I still love him so much that I don't want him to know that I'm not very happy to be the "capable" assistant/secretary/clerk/daughter/any post whichever related.
Normal life, just maybe be a gardener that lives in countryside, staying in forest green world with simple 3 meals per day- nothing need to worry- maybe that's the heaven. Trying hard to hypnotise myself to make me feel better..
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