How big is my "bigger" heart?

When things keep repeating and its like hurting everyone involved, just dunno how long I can say the sentence.."I will accept this with a bigger heart". How big is that bigger heart that I have decided to have since that day to remember? Life is full of ups and downs that even human aren't able to conquer their own emotion and thinking, sometimes need to burst to people surround them, and only those who care will stay behind. Trying very hard sometime to withstand these pain feel eventhough I can just walk away and stay alone quietly and lonely. However, it's someone u have decided to love, then u have to love them till the end. The heart just have to choose either to keep going or give up....

haha...

The whole afternoon I have wasted my time in down down as unable to find the documents that I once type it in July/ August 2009. Think my memory is getting low, low and lower...=.=".. I just think that this time sure die, boss sure scold me stupid or smtg related. Searching high n low in one after another computers that I might have stored it, but in mind do not have the confidence that this document will be found. Guess what, in the end take up my last bravety to sms boss that I lost the document. Boss thought that I had emailed it before so asked me to find in email, however guess my memory say no to this statement, and proven it is not in the email either. In the end, boss call me up and say he managed to get the document back from the supplier. I should be happy and in the other way, he should have told me earlier that there is another way to get back this doc. Anyhow, i was trained to sacrifice my lunch for this, and maybe one day I will be graduated from this training..:D. However, the best thing is someone sang a song for me to cheer me up which I couldn't believe that got people don't know how to sing a complete ABC song!..Anyhow, thanks so much to make me alive again..Haha. Awaiting to hear the next song ...

I can't let go

Everytime someone questioned me or says something related to my boss, I just don't know why I just couldn't face it with a positive attitude, happily saying that "I'm so proud to be a daughter that he can proud of".

I just couldn't let it down, everytime persuading myself with two motives I'm here in this world, one is to be a daughter that should be able to exist as a capable child of him, secondly is to protect the family (my mom especially) that no son is nothing!

When always tried to be as "capable" as I can, the feeling of trying very hard to get out of this box is attacking my soul. Even the tears might start coming from the heart inside but could never get out as I know I need to pretend not to care about this feeling, just let it be.. Should one day I leave the world before him, I will never say this to him. This world seems to be of nothing more to me if the feeling can't be grounded or one day he stop asking me to do anything, not because he is leaving the world. I still love him so much that I don't want him to know that I'm not very happy to be the "capable" assistant/secretary/clerk/daughter/any post whichever related.

Normal life, just maybe be a gardener that lives in countryside, staying in forest green world with simple 3 meals per day- nothing need to worry- maybe that's the heaven. Trying hard to hypnotise myself to make me feel better..